he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
