In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
