I think my fart just growled at me.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
