I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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