i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
