my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
