New low: just hacked my moms facebook
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
