Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
