I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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