I just saw a hot homeless man
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
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