so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
