ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
