need another drink. this is the easiest way
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Just took my morning after pill in the library
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
pray to the hookup gods
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
