yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
