We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
