My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
