the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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