Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
