Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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