we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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