Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Fuck me I smell like cheese
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
