I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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