No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
