I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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