I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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