I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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