You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
