I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
