Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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