One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
