Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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