hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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