So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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