That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
