Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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