Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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