these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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