she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
