my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Acid is not a monday night drug
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Couch. On fire.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
