I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
