dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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