If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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