did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Randomize
