Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
