dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
