i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
