somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
