fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
