I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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