Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
