I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
